Wham! - A confession?

I broke tradition in a big way this year; it was the first year in my life that my family didn't go out and party to ring in the oncoming year. Instead, we all stayed home like a bunch of old...i donno, non-party goers.
Ooh! Did i mention? I'm lovin the silence now. Silence, as in, not hearing myself speak. Not hearing anyone preach. Just listening when i want to know. I even find it cumbersome to open my mouth, to talk to strangers, people i'm not particularly fond of. Is my energy fizzling out? Am i losing what i found so novel, and cute about myself? Am I not cute any longer?

All i know is, i'm at peace with myself. I know what it is that i'm doing. And, boy, it takes a while to be able to say that to yourself honestly, and heave a sigh. All that i do, is to achieve some unseen, unpredictable end.
And i'm feeling so totally emotional.
I miss things being perfect. Even if they weren't, kill me if i sound weird, i liked saying that they were. So, if i liked it that much to deceive myself - it must've been something huh? It was a lot, to be so intimate so soon with a guy - share all secrets, speak about EVERYTHING under the sun. Well, almost. I miss knowing that i can screw up and snigger. Now, even if i can, the charm in sniggering is lost.
Its been a while since someone told me I was intelligent, or sexy (and truly meant it) and made me glow inside like i'd swallowed a lamp or something.
I guess i went wrong. I spoke the wrong things, bickered about the cheapest of stuff, was petty, timid, and so dull at times. I was everything i hated being, didn't want to be, but i REALLY don't know why that happened. Why things took such a bizarre turn, that i had to feel like that.
I wish i'd been more honest.
I wish i'd been more of a teenager, a normal, less schizo teen.
I wish i was better at handling moneys and stuff.
Fuck, it doesn't even feel like regret now. Just some stuff, like pending chores from yesterday. Things i know i will eventually have to do, will do, but will be pissed off, and depressed in the process of doing. Like now, I'm not depresseddepressed. Its gone far below, just to be a throbbing memory that resurfaces as a headache sometimes, but i still make jokes, poke fun, send my dumb girl classmates into fits of laughter.
In fact, i wouldn't wanna know me, if i was me. But then again, i can't do anything else, but this now.
I'mana make a better post in a while, maybe tomorrow. During the day tomorrow that is. Feeling so woozy.