Soaking in the moment

I feel safe. So safe; maybe in the corner of my mind – I just somehow associated openness with vulgarity. If I’m allowed to make the analogy, I feel like a flower. So soft, colorful, chaste. More like a bud. I like the secrecy. I want to embrace the world, yet see it fly away, while I’m left in peace – just me. Freedom.

I want freedom. Its all in the mind, agreed. I don’t feel like a slave to the system anymore (maybe that’s because I’m not doing anything according to the system – acads, time management, cordialities, people. Zilch) and the wheels are actually turning a lil slowly. But I can sing. I can sing down the house ;-) I can sing to a stranger, and revel in his appreciation.
I can giggle – and not feel stupidly girly about it. I can talk about ‘boys’ and then laugh with easy abandon. And finally, I can cry again. I’d held back for a while, god knows what I was trying to achieve! I can go through the cleansing, thankyouverymuch!
And when I sing, I’m sure everyone’ll listen. I have a power chord in my throat.
In fact, in the phase when I wanted the boy back, I was planning to sing and unleash the latent passion in him, get him to say, “I’ll reconsider”.
Because once, I’d sung ‘kiss me’ by sixpence none the richer, and then heard him say the sweetest nothings. We never realize them when we hear them, but they are gosh darned ridiculous!!
I can even be brilliant. A friend of mine has christened me the Greek Goddess of Wisdom, Métis. While that’s an incredible exaggeration, by a long shot, it’s cool, yeah.
I don’t feel vulnerable, but I feel charming. I think it an excellent phase. I know I won’t be stupid and jump into any lecher’s arms, but I know I can handle myself perfectly well around any Casanova without feeling tongue-tied.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Ooh! And it’s the end of the year. When in school, this was an absolute fun time. Starting early November, we’d have endless practices for Annual day; I was always in the choir and usually in some other dance item or something. Good fun. And then, the Christmas Party! In school, we’d have this one day, when we’d all just dress our best, (back in fifth, I was trying to catch the eye of this guy, Pratik. Yes, infant perv, I know. And turns out, through 9th and 10th he liked me!! Teehee) wear party hats, get all our dance cassettes in the hope of dancing and prancing around, and Shweta would get this awesome fudge, which we’d all try to get the biggest share of. It was so yummy!
Then Dec 18th was Rekha’s birthday party, and practically everyone was invited. Another frosted cake and dance fest. We’d have our Annual Day around this time, even the District Carol Singing competition, which we always, without exception took the trophy for.
Real good fun.
The end of the year. I don’t seek anything symbolic. But things seem to wrap themselves up for me. For instance, February through December has seen the most important person for this sixteen year old heart come and go. I call it a summer fling now.
I have grown tremendously. Unfortunately, same cannot be said bout my physical status. I am, and will remain vertically challenged.
I digress. I have really grown. I lowered my shields, widened my circle of friends, got to know of a lot of people all around India. Observed a lot. I don’t want a new beginning this time. I don’t want to ‘forget the past’ and ‘start all over again’. I want all this, and what’s to come, to define me. If I made mistakes, then yes, I am stupid. If I didn’t; good for me. Of course, also note, dame luck may or may not have been smiling all through. I want to see, what’s to come, like a wizened, passive, experienced and silently happy person. I feel older. I feel experienced.
I don’t want to preach, just observe, and maybe smirk a little, giggle again, like I’m being tickled pink.

If it was aspired of me, to give myself up to one person, to feel extremes of happiness and the same steep valleys of sorrow, if I wanted it all in huge doses, if I wanted ‘the teenage feeling’, if I wanted ‘all or nothing’, then oh powers that be, now’s not the time.
I will take it bit by bit, in small measure, and look at the world, opening my window just a wee bit every time. I obviously have a lot more to see, feel and experience. And I have the world to travel! And it’s good to know I have the time. There’s time, there’s the world, and me.
Good to know. And the rest of you can kiss my ass! (dunno where this sudden surge of animosity came from)
Disclaimer: if anybody chooses to associate this with holiday cheer and goodwill to all and the rest of the b.s. that they say the spirit of Christmas and tidings of the new year is about, then I have this to say to them: “bah! Humbug!”
Have a crappy new year!