without any of this

amelie

Don't even try. Its got a lot of the past; the murky, blackened sooty past. Which gets right back up and slaps me in the face as i struggle to push it out of my brain. Something that stabs me in the stomach just so i realize that it was i who partook. Who said i wasn't playing with real feelings there? who said i wasn't gambling with relationships? But someone who can attempt to throw all that away and look ahead into the sunshine and a new day is immediately targeted. Them being happy is a sin. I hardly understand it. I am trying to be happy, but sometimes it tires me, to behave like the memories aren't strong enough to keep me chained to their replay in my head so many times in the day. Well, you could say i could do with a change in environment; but that's not going to be possible. I'm going to see him, even if i try avoiding him, atleast 4 times a week.
Well, a previous sentence of mine might have led some astray; i wasn't as i said 'playing' with feelings. I was completely immersed in my own too. I made myself vulnerable and readily up for hurt if that was what he wanted. Turns out, a lot of the time, it was.
I wouldn't call myself unlucky. Nosiree. Just not calculative, or sensible enough. And i'm trying to imbibe that in myself. Why the hell isn't it happening?
Because of my past. It's not effective enough trying to wipe it off; i have to instruct myself to live with it. Why oh why, can't he just let me be? And his concern, why? i don't want it! If i want to be bitter, let me be. If you wanna pity me, dare not do it at my face. But do as you please. Just don't plague my mind in this manner... don't eat away at my strength... if i want to stand up, be around and watch me do it, chiding me if i go wrong. I know what i'm doing; i'm no longer clueless or any of those 'cute, lil girly' things I was purported to be. And i'm making it pretty damned clear. Why then? In all probability, your opinion is going to be that this is a mistake. But if it is, i will solve it. Get away from my reach, you hideously protective conniver. i want out. From the past; which is already over, which i'm already out of. This, i guess, is an important lesson. It might be easy to get out of a painful and crazy situation, but getting the situation out of your mind, is more painful and crazy than you can ever fathom. You don't deserve it. Don't let a potentially weak side of you allow any of this to happen. You can live happily, without any of this.