Once upon a time there was a tavern....

I must get around to doing a full reading of the Bhagwad Gita sometime. I read sections; and the one time I read it without stopping was from the Amar Chitra Katha. From a blue Krishna’s speech bubbles. Oh well, I was 12 then.

The reason I wanted to read the BG was this revelation (I wouldn’t call it revelation actually, reminder more like) that came to me the other day when Mysore witnessed a huge downpour. Torrential rain, and beautiful, beautiful, and as Koze would say, Byoodafool.

I had to keep my moped inside which was parked beneath a tree opposite my house; so I went out to bring it in; but I got hesitant. Here I must give you a bit of trivia, I have never been one who is scared of the rain. I love the rain, penned poetry about it too – so there I was, rain lover, hesitant.

That hit me like a brick in between two eyes. Why on earth was I scared of going out into the rain? That I would dirty myself? Shame for one who used to jump in the puddles and play in the mud.

That I would slip and hurt myself? Pity for one who is so accident prone it could happen even as I’m on this chair. Point being, when it can happen anytime, there’s no point fretting or worrying about it.

That I would be struck by lightning? (I really thought about this too) Dumb. Not because it’s not possible; it is by all means. But because there’s a slim chance of it happening, and it isn’t predictable – so again, no point at all worrying about it.

I have become too careful. I watch my words, cautious enough to use the righteous and diplomatic terms. Not with my friends, acquaintances.

I have become sort of a sell-out. When and why do we start saying things we don’t mean to please other people? When was the last time I knew that what I was saying was exactly what I meant? ( I have the answer to that, actually. Last night with Ze Stick when I told her she wouldn’t score well in CET at this rate)

Ah yes; the revelation/reminder.

A while ago – I was quite a different person. I was dreamy, slow in some of my reflexes, and quite innocent. Most times I like that person more. Sure, now I deal with people better, now I’m more capable in terms of delivering, working. Now I’m more of everyone else. Then, I liked me. Not many people did, not many people understood it (not sure I did either) – but it was nice being muddled up, brunt of ‘fatso’ jokes, better than most at Math, trying to be good and failing miserably at it. Heh.

Then, I was more connected with nature. Now, I’m more connected with people. I think you can tell which alliance was more appreciated. Once I aggrandized my materialistic wants, my spiritual side, whatever there was of it, was piqued. (I checked – pique is to offend) And all the while, I felt I was doing right, humankind is superiormost I believed. And we cower, we hide, we fear nature.

That’s why I wanted to read the BG; it has something about relinquishing your exterior, and transcending this world and attaining a state of spiritual harmony, which I believe strengthens your connection with nature. No, I’m not talking about moksha, I’m not talking penance, renunciation. I mean, going back to then, when we knew ourselves, and we were afraid of limiting ourselves, selling ourselves out for gain.

Then I would dance in the rain, I would play with the neighbourhood dog and bother about cooties only just before dinner.

Then, I didn’t want love, of course, I knew I’d be happy if and when I got it.

Then, I cried more easily.

Now, people that know me; know me. It’s not too hard, I ain’t good at hiding.
Now, I worry about being struck by lightning and other arbit shit.
I worry, like it’s a pastime.

I want, nay, I have asked for love sometime in the past.

I cringe when I cry.

Oh well, I was 12 then.

We ruin everything by growing up, don’t we?