Let me get to the heart
Of the matter at once;
My deepest darkest secret fear
Is that I will let myself down
And crush those that I love,
Through actions that betray
a pathetic lack of courage.
Not uncommon, I know.
Not even unfounded, it’s true.
But the hole in my stomach -
-the dryness of my mouth -
the derailment of thought;
Confer a unique experience
Each time the penny drops
I realized this some time ago,
And that more out of curiosity
About my own internal process
A wonder at my surrender
At my acceptance of paralysis
Will it always be so easy, so familiar
these patterns of failure
I search for my inner Ivanhoe
propelled by a greater fear, of course;
Of time unaccounted; sunken costs –
Standing still – and yet getting lost.
Will I survive not being constantly gratified?
If I split into two, I might see this through
But I can inhabit the future only when it’s now.
